SortOf Near to You
by RoganNchrisLorelai
Summary: Song-fic. Rogan. This popped into my head, so I just started writing. Please read and review. This is an angst, what would have happened if Logan had not said that he could be a boyfriend Season five . Please read my author's notes. Thanks.


**AN: I would hate me too. I know I haven't posted. Darn my unfocused and slightly OCD mind. This story is to "Near to You" by A Fine Frenzy. To all you Wildfire fans, this is the song in the background as Kris is reflecting on her and Junior when Junior walks down the aisle to almost marry Laura. To the rest of you Fanfic fanatics that have no clue what the heck I'm talking about, enjoy. This is angst. Sort-of, and I'm not quite sure, but mainly it's a Rory-Logan-Marty. Rogan in the end.**

**He and I had something beautiful  
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last**

"Logan and I were truly one in a million. I could never keep up with him, so maybe it is for the best. Yet I knew that I couldn't go on knowing that I wasn't the only one. I spent maybe two to three days a week with him, but I knew that the other days were spent with other girls, girls that I obviously could never totally measure up to. Because if I did measure up, then he would've been able to have only me, right?

**I loved him so but I let him go  
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back  
**

"That's a moot point now. It hurt so damn much when I turned away from him in his dorm room. But I knew that it had to happen. I knew that he had two options; two options that would make it clear how he felt about me. First option: he could find his balls and commit to me. That option was so unlikely that it hurt. Second option: go back to being friends. Or really, we were never friends, so go back to being familiar faces. If you asked me why I confronted him, I wouldn't be able to give you a truthful answer. If you told me that if I would have waited longer, he might have come back, then I would be able to answer you honestly. You would've seen the wistful anger enter my eyes. It was a possibility, but if I had let myself get even more attached, and he had decided to end it himself, I would have died right then. 'Cause I knew that no matter how much time I gave him, he'd never love me back.

**Such pain as this  
Shouldn't have to be experienced**

"For a while, I ate nothing. I drank no coffee whatsoever. After being rushed to the hospital twice due to malnourishment, I started looking for other ways to distract myself from the pain. As I was shaving one day, the sharp blades slipped from my grip, and sliced my forearm. As the blood dribbled down my arm, I realized that I didn't care. And I realized that Logan would never care either. Never really care for me. As I dry sobbed, through my fog, the pain felt … almost good. So I tried it again, and again, and soon I was hooked. One day I had just cut myself, and the pain was lessening. Or really, my pain threshold was just getting larger. As I had reached into the cabinet to get some gauze, I knocked over a bottle. My injured arm was at my side, and the bottle crashed onto the sink, and splashed onto my arm. I screamed out in pain, but after awhile, that subsided, too. I went back to the sink and looked at the bottle: rubbing alcohol. That started my new regiment, spraying my cuts with rubbing alcohol.

"That added to my consumption of ethyl alcohol. I was now like Juliet – another one of his friends – in that I only ate when the doctor told me to. I weighed one hundred and ten pounds, and my curves were gone. I was a walking stick figure. I was even smaller than a double zero. The little weight I had was stretched very thinly over my five-foot-seven frame. I was a medical miracle, my doctors had no idea how the heck I was still living. But I knew. Karma was such a bitch sometimes! Wouldn't let me die until I found some closure in life, but I wasn't about to do that.

**  
I'm still reeling from the loss,  
Still a little bit delirious  
**

"A few months after the dreaded sort-of breakup, I ran into Marty again. One thing led to another, and now we are dating. I put on twenty pounds, but am still too skinny for the medical professionals. I stopped cutting, and threw myself into our new relationship. I went back to what I used to be sort-of. My face never lost its sallow.

**  
Near to you, I am healing  
But it's taking so long  
'Cause though he's gone  
And you are wonderful  
It's hard to move on  
Yet, I'm better near to you.  
**

"Marty was the most devoted boyfriend. And I was a big, anorexic, love-sick, depressed mess. My emotional baggage was always dragged around with me everywhere. Were I in a real rational state of mind, I would have realized that I was leading him on in an unforgiveable way. I now say that it was because since I didn't get who I wanted, I would at least give Marty who he wanted – me. However, I didn't think of that 'till much later.

**  
You and I have something different  
And I'm enjoying it cautiously  
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard  
To get back to who I used to be**

As much as I enjoyed what Marty and I had, I always compared it to what I imagined Logan and I would have had. Mom found out about me and Marty. She was through the roof. I was dating a nice boy, a nice boy from a simple family. One without excessive money. I was – supposedly – in love with a small town boy. Lorelai and I never got back what we had before I started my casual dating with Logan. I could never forget how she had abandoned me during the post-Logan period. She only came back once she found out that I had – sort-of – healed, and that I was away from him. So I started calling her Lorelai, not that she really cared. She was just running off with random men left and right. Luke and her were never mean to be, and I am sort-of glad that he had enough common sense to get away from her.

Despite our semi-relationship, I still desperately tried to be the little Stars Hollow Rory. But I never could. Logan had touched my soul in such a way that I was never able to go back to who I was.

**  
He's disappearing  
Fading subtly**

On some days I wouldn't even think about Logan at all. But when I did, you can never imagine the love I have always felt for him. For so long I resented how much I love him. As I said, it got better. I was good, albeit it just hurt more when I remembered. But as he started fading, as I found it harder to remember his face perfectly, I realized that nothing would ever happen between us ever again. So I resigned myself to a life with Marty. I even acted hopelessly excited when he proposed.

**  
I'm so close to being yours  
Won't you stay with me  
Please**

Marty and I married exactly three years after I gave Logan his ultimatum. Lorelai was ecstatic. At least I pleased her too, because Lord knows that I would never have been pleased, either. We moved to this little rinky-dink town in the middle of Utah. Marty had family there. Since I was fully into making Marty happy, I moved with him. Not having to hear Lorelai buzz in my ear was just an added bonus. Now you know the rest of the story. And don't give me that face! I invented that face. I did love your father – in a way. I was just never in-love with him. I guess you would never really know."

"Mom! I'm almost thirteen years old; I can hear the rest of the story!" I looked at my daughter, but sighed, resigned. I glanced over at my sleeping sons, before continuing.

"One night I got home from work – I had worked at the small local paper – and there were two policemen waiting for me on the front porch. It was incredibly icy that morning, and I had been pregnant with Leo and Alexander. Did I ever tell you that they're named after Tolstoy and Pushkin? Well anyway, Marty, your father, was worried about how much Ice was on the ground. You were in Hartford with Emily and Richard. His car had slid on black ice, and his car flipped into the lake. His spinal cord was snapped, and he died instantly. Even if he hadn't, he would have drowned in the frigid water. Karma was finally paying me back for pretending I was in love with him. My husband, your father, died tonight, four years ago, on Christmas Eve.

"As you know, we moved back to Hartford, and Emily and Richard bought us a house. I started working at the Hartford Currant, and one day at work, I ran into him again. Now Gracie, you have to understand, I never stopped loving him. But that, under no circumstances, means that I don't love you. I do, very much so. You guys are my life. We got to chatting. He surprisingly never married. He just came back from California. Mitchum Huntzberger died of a heart attack. You look so surprised – Oh! I never told you Logan was a Huntzberger. Well, he took over the company. And so we got to talking, and one thing led to the next."

"Are you truly happy Mom? Perfectly, completely, and incandescently happy?" Gracie continued in a horrible British accent. I laughed for the first time in a while.

"Yeah, I am. I hope you understand this. I want you to meet him. We hope to get married soon. It's been so long. But we belong together. But you've seen me over the past year. I'm a different person. But now you know the whole story. Just remember that he will never replace your dad. Okay? I love you. Now go to your room and sleep. Pleasant dreams, my love."

She scurried away to her room just as the front door opened. I looked up, and rushed into Logan's awaiting arms. "I love you," he murmured into my hair. I could only imagine how much I had wanted him to say that an odd seventeen years ago. We released each other, and we each bent to pick up a boy. As I picked up Leo, it was hard due to the weight that had been put on to my one hundred and thirty pound body, sort-of. We were expecting. My life had turned out perfectly. Sort-of.

**AN: I swear I have been like half asleep while writing this. I am not even looking at the screen while I am typing this. Oh well, read and review. And give me some suggestions for the plot of my other stories. I have reached a dead end. My brain is fried.**


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